Open & free

Open communication with your spouse is one way to keep your marriage surviving & thriving. Even when the words you say are humiliating and reveal your vulnerability, your humanity and frailty. December was a difficult month for me, both emotionally & spiritually. I tried to be strong and hid my inner turmoil from my husband. I didn't want to drag him down with me... I was hurting & didn't feel like discussing it, with anyone. I thought I was protecting him, however instead I only created tension and disunity in our marriage. There were days he probably thought I despised him because of the great despair I held hidden in my mind. I finally had a breaking point, and I shared my calamities with my best friends & sisters in Christ. They lavished love, scriptures and admonishment! I was beseeched to confess everything to my husband. Every struggle needed to be voiced to my closest companion; nothing is to be hidden from your mate. I am so blessed to have godly girls in my life! Women who point me to Jesus AND my husband :) 

Two things I have learned.... Be vulnerable and humiliatingly honest & transparent with my husband. The second, the friends you keep can make the difference between your-well being or your demise. 

I'm not who I was

It's hard when things change. I use to be the one with a strong mind, rarely shifting, not easily consumed; the woman who can let things go and move on with grace. 

When you endure the greatest pain your soul has ever witnessed, things change. I don't like this change. I despise my mind, at times. The enemy longs to trample my hope and my peace. In the not-so distant past, I wasn't so easily his victim. I have times of great victory, but others seem almost unbearable. 

I have much to glory in. I have a sweet husband who points me to the cross, and solid friends who bathe me in the scriptures during my times of lowliness. I have two precious children whose faces, smiles, and laughter keep me above water. 

Above all those, I have a Father who holds me. He doesn't leave me here; He always picks me up. I have some one to look to... 

Adoption Option

This is one of those mornings I feel the grace and tender mercies of The Lord surrounding me. In these moments, I'm moved to pray and worship- and I pray for many of you... 

I pray today for some sisters in Christ who share in grief for the loss of their children. Although I cannot imagine the heavy grief and pain that seeks to bury them under, I do know God is enough & He holds those babies close, even now. 

God has laid upon my heart to strongly consider adoption. I am in much prayer as I seek His timing. I met a nurse at work yesterday who just adopted a sweet, bi-racial baby named Jaden. She greatly encouraged me and offered her knowledge and experience whenever I'm ready to start the process. I was surprised to learn about a $13,000 child tax credit to those who adopt. So, after fees etc Jacque paid $20,000. After the first of the year, she will receive $13,000 back; so, really, she's only out $7,000 and she has a beautiful baby boy to call her own. She was realistic and reminded me that tragic things do happen ok the adoption process, as it did to her as well- but she spoke to my heart when saying, "if your heart is right, and you're doing it for the right reason- to glorify God- it's worth it!" We spend more on houses and cars and college... Imagine if EVERY Christian family adopted just one child, one orphan... I wonder if there would be such a thing as long term foster care? I wonder if we would have any orphans or group homes... 

Julian and I are on our 3rd week of running together! It's been a blessing and sweet memories have been made already! He's never been a runner, but I have seen such vast improvements as he grows in strength and technique :) 

My 8th wedding anniversary is growing near! My heart's desire is to see Dillon as God sees him... He is so precious and dear to me. Forgive & beloved ❤

Simple truth

It's hard to feel yourself into the right action, but it's much easier to act yourself into the right feelings. If you do the right thing long enough, God will change your feelings & your heart to that which is right, good & pure :) 

If you struggle with bitterness, anger, regret, depression... Start by serving and loving on others. 

A sackcloth of ashes

I am feeling the weight of grief heavy upon my heart this morning. So many of the ones I love or know closely are experiencing despair. At times, I feel my prayers and poorly-articulated words are inadequate. We will keep our hope stayed on Him, the Author and perfecter of our faith. 

“And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you. (Psalm 39:7 ESV)

Oh Lord, help our unbelief. 

New beginnings

I am excited to say my ankle is healing wonderfully. There is some mild swelling but minimal discomfort. 

In other news, in preparation for basketball season, Julian and I have started Couch 2 5K :) he missed last year's season and is pretty out of shape, but I am excited to teach my son about physical discipline as well as spiritual discipline- denying the flesh & such!  During this program (free app downloadable under C25k) you begin with intervals of walking 1.5 minutes and jogging 1 minute! While we are on our walking interval, we spend that time talking about life and praying aloud together! I am soaking it all in; I have a feeling I will never forget these sweet memories we are making! His dad & him do music and touring together & play Halo :) while him and I play minecraft and jog together... So much of parenthood and childhood discipleship has to be intentional. Otherwise, you go to bed at night and think, "did I spend ANY quality time with my children today..." It happens to me too. 

Maleah has been waking up in the middle of the night and refusing to soothe herself back to sleep. One would think after 20 months we would be passed this; I'm unsure if she's hurting, having night terrors, or just being clingy... Pray for us as we decide how to handle this situation. It seems we find ourselves here every few months. 

Homeschool has been stressful these past months but is still very much a delight. My Pilgrim's Progress curriculum is coming along nicely :) 

Bless The Lord, O my soul 

Another week... Times flies in a blink

This morning was met by the siren of my cellular alarm at 4am... But God was so good; I felt energized, alert and greatly anticipated the tasks before me. 

I began my usual Monday with homeschool preparations and time with my Lord. Although these mornings have the makeup for extreme stress, I choose instead to enjoy these moments with Jesus. Another Monday to practice trust and an abiding peace and strength that comes only from Abundant Love. I continued reading from my chapter on speech. 

I was reminded that the word slander used in the bible is the word used for satan. Wow! Moreover, the biblical definition of "slander" differs from the world's:

 1.

the action or crime of making a false spoken statement damaging to a person's reputation.

"he is suing the TV network for slander."

God's definition is any statement, true or not, made with the purpose of ruining another's reputation. 

Additionally, according to The Word, a reputation is valued far more than riches... In line with this thinking, slander will rob a person of their character value; one who engages in this practice is a tool in Satan's hand... Eeek! 

Those of us with children, they hear us. Are we modeling Christ or Satan when we speak of others? 

To wives: do we slander our husbands to family, girlfriends, coworkers, or social media? I know I don't want to be used by Satan in my marriage! 

If you find yourself overwhelmed by emotion or excited by a person's poor choices, just shut your mouth... Seems harsh, but don't you think it's far better to glorify your Savior rather than elevating Satan? 

Here's a challenge- for me- don't engage in another's slander. Do not partake! If it's too awkward to offer correction in that situation, kindly excuse yourself from the conversation.  

Update on my 30 day challenge! 

I encountered a severe sprain of my ankle and foot. Further, I ate poorly this weekend during our family get-away :/ 

I am very unfaithful to bodily disciplines, I'm discovering... Who am I kidding?!??!! I've known this!!! But instead of throwing in the towel, I will truck along and see if I make any progress, despite this setback! 

Love God; love people.